50 Tips to a Healthy Lifestyle
by milkmoth
Summary: Gaara's therapist... ahem, mysteriously died. So Temari forces him to follow the tips in a book about healthy living. Unfortunately, good deeds and Gaara just don't mix. INCOMPLETE.
1. 50 Tips to a Healthy Lifestyle

_50 Tips for a Healthy Lifestyle_

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Gaara was annoyed. His brother and sister, concerned for his well-being, were forcing him to go to therapy.

"I don't want to go," he told them.

But they made him go anyway.

_No one understands me, _he fumed mentally, _I feel so depressed right now. _

He grudgingly walked into the door. He hated the office immediately.

Finally the therapist saw him. She had great big, thick glasses and had a mole on her nose.

Gaara sat down in the chair across from her.

"So… tell me about your childhood."

"It was really sucky."

"Can you specify?" she said brightly.

"My dad tried to kill me multiple times, the other children feared me – including my own siblings - and one of the assasains my father hired was the only person who I thought loved me. Turns out he hated me more than anyone else did."

She looked a bit unsettled. Gaara looked at her blankly.

"Uh… how does that make you feel?" she said.

"IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE KILLING YOU!" he cried, "COFFIN OF CRUSHING SAND!"

He smiled. That was better. Now she would shut up.

He looked at the book on her table. After a moment, he decided to take it. Why? It will not be known, even to this day. Perhaps it is because he needed some reading material. I doubt it.

That book – _50 Tips for a Healthy Lifestyle– _would, as it guaranteed, "change his life forever". But not as it intended…

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a/n: Well, review! This isn't a Gaara-goes-to-therapy type story... but you'll see. Just thought I'd release this and see how it goes... even though I have WAY too many other fics on my plate!


	2. Tip 1: HOLY SMOKES!

_Tip Number One: Tell Your Loved Ones that You Love Them_

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Gaara read the tip with disgust, wondering why he couldn't have picked up a _Ripley's Believe it or Not _(which had its share of freaks and rose his self-esteem substantially).

He thought about who he loved.

No images came to mind.

He tried harder.

He got an image of a boy with reddish hair and a 'love' character on his head.

"I love you, Gaara," he said out-loud. It didn't have the desired effect.

He tried so hard that his brain nearly popped out. Finally, he got an image of his brother and sister.

He got up and went to find them.

Temari was making dinner, grumbling about how it was sexist that Kankurou and Gaara made her do all the work… and then they grumbled about how here cooking was so awful!

She scowled as she stirred the rice, stirring it so hard that a bit sloshed out of the pot.

"Blast," she muttered, turning around to pick up a rag.

When she saw Gaara.

"Gaara!" she said, slightly frightened. She was learning to get used to her brother's creepiness, but it was still freaky when he silently snuck up behind her.

"Temari, I love you."

Temari was shocked. She fainted.

Gaara didn't know what the problem was, but decided to be kind and took the roast out of the oven for her.

"HOLY SMOKES!" he screamed, dropping the flaming roast out of the oven.

"Oh, just great!" Temari said, "I ruined another one!"

Unfortuantely, in a dry area like the Sand village, the fire spread quickly along the floor.

Gaara stared at it, full of awe and wondering why he hadn't become a pyromaniac like that Sas-gay (I mean –suke! –SUKE!)

Eventually, the firefighters came. They told Temari that maybe it was time to stop her cooking…

"But I only left it in for two days! Kankurou told me…"

The firefighters gave each other a look.

"That brat…" she muttered dangerously, "he will pay… oh, believe me…"

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"Kankurou," said Gaara, after silently observing his brother (who was making a Temari voodoo-puppet with his arm that Temari HADN'T rendered unusable) "I love you."

Kankurou widened his eyes (one of them bruised) and promptly crawled beneath his bed.

Gaara peeked under it.

Kankurou was shaking like a leaf, muttering over and over like a lunatic, "it's here, it is finally here… the apocalypse…"

Gaara didn't know what the word 'apocalypse' was, but he decided he liked the word.

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a/n: Review! 


	3. Tip 2: Broken Nose

a/n: Ever seen _The Brady Bunch? _Well, this is a slight reference to one of the most famous (or is it infamous?) episodes. And if you're curious, fifteen-love is scoring in the sport of tennis. xD Enjoy!

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_Tip 2: Take Up a Sport_

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Gaara sighed. 

"Hey, Gaara!" Kankurou conveniently strode in, holding a strange, foreign object.

"Want to play football? It's this American sport… like soccer."  
"I hate America," Gaara replied uenthusiastically, "but then again I hate Japan.Oh, forget it, I hate everything. "

He paused, thought for a moment, then spoke.

"Why do you suddenly want to play games with me? This morning you were scared to ask me to pass the cornflakes."

Kankurou shrugged. "I don't know. I suppose that since you 'love me'-" he put air quotes around the words "- and all, we should share some brotherly bonding time."

Gaara, quite pained, looked at the tip again. Temari had vowed to take a giant wooden mallet to him if he didn't follow the tips… he couldn't just _ignore _them…

"Fine."

They went outside and stood a fair distance apart.

Kankurou tossed the ball to Gaara. Gaara didn't even reach out to get it (though it had been miserably off-target).

"You have to _catch _the ball!" Kankurou said, exasperated. "Anyway, the score's fifteen-love."

Gaara wrinkled his nose slightly. "Are you sure that's the right method of point-counting?"

Kankurou nodded solemnly. "Absolutely. That's how you count the pointy-thingies for basketball… umm…err…"

"Football," Gaara volunteered.

Kankurou looked frustrated. He picked up the ball. "Look, I never played sports as a kid, ok? I was too busy playing with my doll- er, puppets."

"Neither have I. I was to busy reducing your puppets to dust."

Kankurou was shocked and horrified. "HOLY GUACAMOLE, THAT WAS YOU?!?"

Gaara had no idea what he was so worked up about.

"I HATE YOU!" screamed Kankurou. So much for brotherly love.

Violently, he tossed the football at Gaara (though the point was pretty much moot because of Gaara's sand).

Temari, who had unfortunately walked out of the house at that very same moment wearing a pretty, formal dress, happened to get hit (due to Kankurou's pitiable aim).

"MY NOSE!" she screamed, falling to her knees and cluthching her face. "GOOD DANDELION, MY NOSE!"

"Where did _that _one come from?" Kankurou asked, "I mean, good _dandelion?_"

Temari sniffed and stood up. "At least I'm original!" she spat. She looked at her reflection in a nearby window. She gasped out loud when she saw her red, swollen nose.

"GREAT! JUST GREAT!" she cried, "THANKS TO YOU, SHIKAMARU WON'T WANT TO TAKE ME TO THE DANCE ANYMORE!"

There was dead silence.  
"Who is this Shikamaru?" said Gaara icily.

"And why is he taking you to a dance?" Kankurou finished, tone equally intimidating.

Temari gave them both a death glare. Slowly, dangerously, she picked up the football at her feet…

And threw it, with perfect accuracy, at Kankurou's nose. Unlike her brothers, Temari had expertise in sports of all varieties.

Kankurou looked at his reflection and burst into tears.

Gaara looked on, amazed. "Woah. You're like the Prince of Tennis!"

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Review! 


	4. Tip 3: Sakura the Pink Haired Fangirl

_Tip 3: Help Someone Out_

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Gaara glared at the book after reading the words. Temari had found it, and considering the 'mysterious' death (hehe) of his therapist, she had forced him to follow the tips. Kankurou had no opionion, because whenever Gaara was mentioned he ran to take cover under his bed (for the next two days, anyway). 

Gaara walked around Suna, looking for someone to help.

Finally he found Naruto. Naruto was the only person in the world he could tolerate besides Temari and Kankurou.

Naruto looked a bit upset. Trying out his new sensitive side, Gaara asked:

"What's wrong?"

The words tasted bad on Gaara's tongue, and he made note only to use them in dire situations.

"Nothing," Naruto said sadly, "Except that Sakura _still _doesn't like me! All she can do is chase after that Sasgay."

Sasuke ran by, giving them a pitiful look as he passed.

Sakura and Ino, leading the rest of Sasuke's fangirls, ran after. "SASUKEEEEEE!" they squealed.

"So," said Naruto sadly, "can you help?"

Gaara thought for a moment.

"I guess I could kill him for you," he said.

"WAIT!" Naruto screamed, "I ALREADY TRIED THAT, AND IT DIDN'T WORK!"

But Gaara was already off.

Sasuke eventually grew weary of running from the fangirls (although after years of it, he'd gotten quite good at running distances) and decided to take a break.

He jumped into a tree. The fangirls rushed past, not immediately noticing his absence.

After the fangirls were out of sight, Gaara slithered on the scene.

Sasuke looked at him broodily. Yes, _broodily. _

"What's up?" he said flatly.

Gaara was not one to waste words. So he simply chose four of his favorites.

"COFFIN OF CRUSHING SAND!"

And there, everything was peachy! Violence really does solve everything!

Well, not quite.

Because at that exact moment, the fangirls entered the scene, having just realized they'd been deceived by their precious Sasuke-kun.

"OMG, YOU ARE GOING DOOOOWN!"

And so the fangirls dogpiled poor Gaara, who didn't feel like killing innocent girls. After all, it was Saturday so he was in a relatively good mood.

There was a moaning from nearby.

The fangirls turned around, and glomped the figure.

"OMG, PRECIOUS SASUKE, WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! THANK GOD!"

Sasuke made a note to ask Gaara to kill him PERMANENTLY next time.

Gaara had to report to Naruto at the end of the day, telling him that he had not managed to kill Sasuke.

Naruto shrugged and scratched the bag of his head. "That's okay. Hey, do you want to go steal Sakura's underwear instead?"

Gaara blinked very slowly.

"I'm not even going to acknowledge that statement."

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a/n: Review... you know you want to! xD Updates will start coming slowly now, because so far I've had the chapters lined up and ready to release. Here's a preview of next chapter:

_"WHOOT! RED! GO ME!" Temari turned to her brother and smirked. "Eat my dust, puppet boy!"_

_Kankurou winced. "You're only ahead by two squares," he said defensively._


	5. Tip 4: Fisher

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Tip 5: Love an Animal

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Gaara searched the city streets looking for an animal to love. He couldn't find one anywhere. He decided he would interrupt his much-hated father. 

He burst in on an important meeting. Everyone gasped.

Gaara smiled. "Dad, can you get me a puppy?"

His father was furious. He could only glare at his son.

Gaara glared right back. "Get me a _puppy!_" he pouted threateningly.

His father rolled his eyes. "Go find a stray cat or something."

So Gaara walked and walked, and finally he found a gray kitty. The kitty saw him and ran away.

When he got home, Kankurou and Temari actually felt sorry for him. "What's wrong?" they asked.

"I want a puppy," Gaara explained. They gave him dubious looks.

"Are you going to do with it what you did to my puppets?" Kankurou said sternly.

"No, it's for that stupid book Temari gave me."

Temari lit up. "You're using it! Fantastic! Of course, I'll get you a pet..." her brow furrowed in thought, "but I don't think I can get you a puppy."

"What else is there?" Gaara asked, perplexed."A kitty? Because kitties don't like me very much..."

"How about a goldfish?" Kankurou suggested.

Gaara went into his scary-toddler-temper-tantrum-mode, Gaara-style. "_That's not a puppy..."_

"Goldfish are better than puppies!" Temari volunteered hastily, "they're really... um... pretty. They swim all pretty, and, um, they're pretty colors!"

Gaara was not amused.

"Hey," said Kankurou enthusiastically, "there are some fishies that eat each other!"

Gaara looked happy. "Really? Can I have one of those?"

Temari glared at Kankurou. "NO."

So they went to the pet store, and Temari bought Gaara a goldfish in a little baggy full of water.

Kankurou was afraid to say anything, but the words tumbled out anyway:

"Doesn't it look kind of sick?"

Gaara gave the sickly goldfish a disgusted look. Temari patted him on the shoulder, and casually whacked Kankurou on the back of his head.

Gaara took the goldfish home. He put the goldfish in a bowl, and stared at it for a few hours.

The goldfish, looking at Gaara's magnified, black-rimmed eyes, was quite frightened.

Soon, however, Gaara grew very attached to his goldfish. He named it Fisher, and Fisher was his best friend ever. He would even talk to it.

"Today, I almost killed Reiko," he said brightly. Reiko was the name of the girl who'd slammed the door in his face when he tried to give her medicine. Needless to say, the girl had been fearing for her life ever since.

When suddenly, he noticed something and gasped out loud. "FISHER!"

Indeed, Fisher was floating, belly up, in his scummy bowl.

Gaara wept, then he stood up. "I will avenge your death, Fisher," he vowed. Temari walked in with his laundry. Yes, in addition to cooking, Temari was also forced to do laundry.

"I've got your laundry," she mumbled, then she looked up and squinted. "Gaara, were you crying?"

Gaara sniffed. "No," he said defensively, "and if you ever say anything to anyone, I will kill you with my bare hands."

Temari took a step back. "Um, ok."

"Fisher died," he said sadly, "I'm such a bad owner."

Temari took a look at the fishbowl. "You are," she agreed, "I mean, seriously! You haven't cleaned this thing since you bought Fisher a month ago. Plus, um, Fisher looked ill..."

Gaara glared. "Why? Why me? Why is everyone I love torn away from me?"

"Um, I'm right here..."

Gaara demanded that they give it a funeral. He made a little cardboard box, lined with tissue and desert flowers. He put in Fisher's bowl, which he'd bothered to clean for the funeral. He'd dug a hole the night before, and soon all was ready.

But when the day of the funeral came there was one thing missing: Fisher.

Kankurou walked out, completely perplexed. "What's going on?"

"Fisher died," Gaara informed him, "but his body's missing."

Kankurou screwed up his face in thought. "Oh, yeah, your goldfish? That old thing? I flushed it down the toilet."

Gaara's eyes flashed dangerously. There was a slight pop as the cork of his gourd was removed.

Kankurou looked nervously down at his feet. "H-hey... w-what's wr-wrong?" he stuttered as he stood, frozen, and watched the sand wind around his leg.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT KILLING YOUR BROTHER IN MY PRESENCE?!?" Temari yelled.

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a/n: Well, review! I'm delaying the board game chapter, so next chapter is a continuation of this one.


	6. Tip 4 cont'd: Akamaru Abducted!

"What… the..."

Temari kicked him in the shin. "No cursing!" she barked.

Kankurou's eye twitched, but then he turned back to Gaara. "You're telling me you took wolf-boy's dog?"

Gaara just blinked calmly. "I wanted a puppy." He gave the thrashing dog in his arms a smile. Perhaps it was supposed to be warm, but more than anything, it was just frightening. Akamaru whimpered.

Temari sighed. "Gaara, you shouldn't be stealing other people's pooches. I mean, Akamaru is like that Kiba guy's heart and soul. You couldn't just rip that away from him?"

Gaara blinked again. "Why not?"

_Meanwhile, in Konoha_

"_Kiba! _Shut up already!"

"Someone _stole Akamaru!_" he screamed through his sobs, "MY PRECIOUS PUP! It feels like my heart and soul have been ripped out! _I've no will to live! _Akamaru's precious little bark was so irresistible…"

His sister just rolled her eyes and turned back to her February issue of _Teen Kunoichi. _"_God! _Someone needs a girlfriend…"

_Back in Suna_

"You'd better watch your back," Temari said, sticking her nose in the air. "When you do bad things, it's going to come back and bite you in the butt."

"Karma and all that," Kankurou added.

"I kill people all the time, and karma doesn't seem to care so much."

"Yes, but killing is not the same as ripping their heart and soul out."

_Two Days Later_

"_Alright you guys! _Think of this as an A-class mission! NO! An S-class mission!"

Neji glared. "Why am I here again?"

Naruto laughed obnoxiously. "Because you lost a bet!"

"It's true. You shouldn't have bet him to a ramen-eating contest, stupid," Ino said, tossing her long, blonde hair.

"I'm bored."

"Shut up, Shikamaru! Why, oh why, did I ask you to come?" Ino said with a sigh. "It's not like I'm your mother."

Shikamaru gave her a look as if to say, _You're almost worse than my mother._

Ino resisted the urge to hit him.

Hinata just stood there, her eyes glued to Naruto. She fidgeted whenever Neji turned to glare at her.

It was rather a motley crew. Kiba, Neji, Naruto, Shikamaru, Ino, and Hinata. Sakura had not come because Sasuke would not come. Sasuke could not come because he was writing emo music. He was secretly very talented.

Shino didn't want to come because he was on a bonding vacation with his bugs. Tenten didn't come because she was mad at Neji for using his Byakuga for, er, less than noble purposes. Chouji was in the hospital again (he'd tried to set a world record for eating the most Cheetohs). Lee was busy training with his beloved Gai-sensei.

So the only ninja that Kiba was able to round up was _them._

He slapped his hand into his palm. "My poor, dear Akamaru doesn't deserve a rescue party like you," he mumbled. Then he shouted into the heavens, "_Akamaru! _Come back to me! I promise I won't let that dog-eating Chouji anywhere _near _you!"

Ino gasped. "That glutton! I _knew_ there was something not-right with the way he looked at your dog…"

And then, of all times, our favorite Suna siblings came prancing down the street.

Gaara was walking Akamaru, who either whimpered or growled every time he saw the boy. Gaara looked gleeful, although since Gaara hardly ever looked gleeful unless something very, very bad had just happened, this was not a happy sight to any onlookers.

Kankurou was not wearing his cat suit or makeup and thus was unrecognizable. Temari was wearing huge glasses, like a celebrity, hoping that no one she knew would recognize her _walking a dog _with her demented younger brother (though _brothers _would be debateable).

It was Ino who spotted them first. Temari stiffened immediately. _"Gaara," _she hissed, "_hide Akamaru."_

Ino was over in a flash. But, shockingly, she gave them a huge smile. "Hi, my name's Ino." She turned to Kankurou and batted her eyebrows in a slightly sickening manner. "What's yours? Hottie?"

Kankurou was not used to being called 'hottie'. Darn that catsuit.

"Kankurou," he said stupidly.

She smiled again. Temari was glad she was wearing sunglasses, or the flash might have blinded her. As for Gaara… wait, where was Gaara?

"I knew a guy with that name," she said slightly disdainfully, "he was this really weird, freaky puppet guy. Come to think of it, he was from Suna too."

Kankurou fidgeted.

"Oi! Ino, why're you talking to the creepy puppet guy? And Temari, why are you wearing those weird sunglasses?"

Ino gave Kankurou a confused look.

"Have you guys seen Kiba's dog? It's gone missing, and we've traveled all the way over to Suna to look for it! Apparently, before he was kidnapped, Akamaru left an SOS note."

Temari and Kankurou exchanged glances.

"Ah, so that's why we're here!" Hinata noted, satisfied.

Neji just narrowed his eyes. "How does a _dog _leave a ransom note?"

"Well, if you were as smart as Akamaru, and could read paw prints like I could, _that's _how!"

Shikamaru took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

Temari blushed uncharacteristically and bit her lip in a cute way. "Shikamaru? How are you?"

Kankurou glared at the shinobi in question. "Eh, fine, I guess. Mostly bored," the shinobi in question answered, without opening his eyes.

Kankurou glared at his sister. Immediately, her gaze became sharp. She stepped on her brother's toe.

"Well, you're pretty hot when you're not wearing your catsuit," Ino said cheerfully to Kankurou. Poor Kankurou was not used to girls flirting with him.

Kiba twitched his nose. "Akamaru is near!"

"How do you do that?" Naruto asked, awed.

Gaara looked tearfully at Akamaru. "I guess this is goodbye," he said sadly. He knew that, so to speak, the jig was up.

Akamaru growled at him.

Gaara put the dog on the ground. The dog bit him hard in the leg and ran off.

Gaara surpressed his tears. "Why does everyone leave me?"

"Akamaru! My dear, my heart, my love!" Kiba cried as he scooped the puppy into his arms.

"He loves that dog _way _too much," Naruto noted in a brief moment of intelligence.

The others nodded.


	7. Tip 5: Beware the Beads

a/n: This chapter really doesn't have much to do with an actual tip (it's more Temari-centric) but I hope that you enjoy it. xD Minor spoilers for the latest manga chapter. You've been warned. :)

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Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or magical neoplurodons.

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**Tip #5: Comfort your love one when they are afraid.**

"AGHHH!"

A piercing scream swept through the household. The Kazekage turned over in his bed. He looked at the clock. It was only three in the morning so he cussed a bit and then turned over and went back to sleep.

Kankurou did not stop his heavy snoring for a second.

Temari awoke, eyes wild and wide, panting heavily.

"Just… a bad… dream…" she rasped. Shakily getting to her feet, she made her way to the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of orange juice.

_It's okay, Temari,_ she reassured herself, _just…_

"What are you doing?"

"AGH!" She dropped the glass and it shattered on the floor. "G-Gaara? Oh – hehe, f-funny, I didn't hear your footsteps."  
Gaara blinked. "I don't sleep. How else would I get my eyes to look like this? So, w-what's wrong?" he offered through gritted teeth, remembering his latest tip.

Temari sniffed pitiably. "I think I'm scarred for life."  
"You're not the only one. Continue."

"I had a nightmare."

Gaara nodded wisely. "I hate those. That's why I sit in the fetal position in that corner over there instead of sleeping."

"Awwww," Temari said sadly.

"What are your nightmares about? Mine usually involve beavers with evil laughs beating me in Pinochle.

"Oh… um… really?"

"… You think that's weird?" he asked dangerously.

"_No! _It's just…" her eyes teared up, and she suddenly broke into sobs.

"Kurenai was pregnant with Shikamaru's child, so I strangled him with Mardi Gras beads, which is when I realized the reason I liked him so much was because he was really an _alien_!"

Gaara just stared at her. "Like that's scary. Pfft. And would you cut out the Shikamaru stuff already?"

Kankurou walked in just as Temari's sobs escalated.

"What's up with her?" he said to Gaara in a low tone.

"No idea. She got worked up over some dream. Kankurou… what do you dream about?"

"Hot chicks and giant orange mushrooms with happy faces that are bent on killing me. Why?"

"I used to dream of unicorns and magical neoplurodons," he shuddered, "but then… the beavers came…"

"What is this crap about magical neoplurodons?" the Kazekage had walked in. "Gaara, I told you that unicorns and magical neoplurodons were _non-homicidal _thoughts!"

Gaara hung his head, although sand slithered ominously around his feet.

"Temari, shut up already!" the Kazekage yelled, covering his ears. Temari gave him a defiant look. "My life is _spiraling downward! No one understands me!" _

"Have you been talking to that Uchiha boy again?" The Kazekage said absent-mindedly, "Anyway, I have important news about one of the jounin in the next village over. She won't be able to work for another few months."

"Hmm?" Kankurou said. He was more focused on picking up pieces of the glass Temari had dropped than listening to his father.

" A certain Yui Kurenai is pregnant."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

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Maiden-chan: What do you guys dream about?

Shikamaru: I dream of fathering Kurenai's child.

Temari: (clutches Mardi Gras beads)

Shikamaru: JUST KIDDING!

Naruto: I dream of Sakura… naked.

Sakura: (pummels)

Maiden-chan: Um…. Sakura?  
Sakura: (blushes) Oh, well, I dream of Sasuke.

Sasuke: I dream of becoming a famous poet.

Sakura: Oh, Sasuke, that's sooooo romantic! D-do you write about me…?

Sasuke: … I write about my brothers impending death, and the color of his blood as he falls before me.

Sakura: … Oh, well… that's nice, too….


End file.
